Well it’s 4:25 am and I just had an epiphany of sorts, but in order to arrive to it I”m gonna have to tell a story.
I was born in the early 70’s. The tail end of an era in the church called “The Jesus Movement” which in actually started around ‘68-’69. Obviously the late 60’s were a turbulent time in our country, much like now, and people were looking for answers, much like now.
In this time frame a movie was made called “Like A Thief In The Night” and a sequel was made as well. The basic premise is this young lady is left behind after her husband gets taken away in the rapture. She eventually finds Jesus and quite literally loses her head for her refusal to take the mark of the beast.
Ok fast forward to around 1979-1980. I was 6/7 and I am at a church watching this film (are you getting that I might be a little young to be watching a film where people’s heads are being cut off, yet?)
Enter: massive spirit of fear, to the point that ANY discussion on the topic sends me into a panic attack like you wouldn’t believe.
So around a month ago this fear really comes to a head so to speak. A prophetic word instigated it this time. Mind you it had been well over a year since I had dealt with this fear in particular, and apparently it felt the need to make up for lost time.
The word sent me into a tailspin that I don’t know if I’ll ever really be able to wrap my brain around it. All I know is that I was literally curled up in a ball in bed for 2 days, not capable of breathing very well, and feeling like there was a huge hole in my chest, and the pain of it, wow, it really quite literally took my breath away. Talk about feeling like you are in a deep pit!
My husband, bless his heart really honestly didn’t know what to do. He was threatening to call people. I didn’t even go to church (if I don’t go to church, it’s pretty bad, I don’t miss church!) after I missed church, friends were calling, I wouldn’t answer the phone, I wouldn’t even talk to my own parents!
Finally somewhere around late afternoon Sunday it dawns on me that there is no legitimate reason for me to be this afraid. That and the pain in my chest was so bad I thought I was literally going to die.
My best friend calls, I decide to answer, somehow in the course of the conversation, I decided I could text my other friend (who at this point is considerably worried about me) and let her know what’s going on. She encouraged me to go down to my parents and get some ministry and get free from this thing.
So I did. I won’t lie to you, the process was grueling. It was a battle of epic proportions. After it was over, I could breathe, and there was no pain in my chest, and I was FREE! I have been fine ever since, and anytime the topic has come up it doesn’t phase me
Now on to the epiphany. I’ve been up thinking about why I have always had,( how do I word this without sounding a like a psycho?) a propensity towards violence. I’m one of those rare female’s that LOVE action flicks, especially the ones that invovle kicking butt and taking names on behalf of someone that is being brutalized or victimized in a really awful way. Like the movie “Taken” for example, it’s in my top 10 of best action flicks. Daddy going in and crackin skulls and breaking necks to get to his litle girl. And I LOVE all the “Transporter” movies with Jason Statham.
I figured out what it is about these movies that draws me to them: These guys are cool, calm, and collected in a crises. There is NO FEAR when it comes to doing what they have to do. I want to be like that. I don’t want to be the “freaker outer” in a crises. I want to be able to handle it like they do, cool, calm and collected.
But here’s what I’ve figured out. In my own natural self, I am not capable of that. Sure it’s a little easier since I don’t have that monkey on my back anymore so to speak, but I still have to learn that Jesus in me is most certainly capable of that. If in that moment I turn to Him and trust that He’s going to handle it or He’s going to show me how to handle it.
It’s so good to know that Jesus is not a “freaker outer”, and neither is God!
The bible says that “perfect love casts out fear” the most perfect love in the universe is the love of my Father for me. I believe that as my soul gets more settled in that, it’s going to get better. The Lord on Sunday gave me an AMAZING revelation on this. This is what He told me, “Heather, there has not been one day of your life, not one minute, and not one second, from the time of your conception, that you have been apart from my love for you”
How can you argue with that? Jesus and I talk all the time, but every now and then I hear my Father speak to me. And when He does, the truth of what He is saying literally goes right into my spirit and I can honestly say that “It is well with my soul”